its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
