and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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