It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.