Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.