ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.