i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑