atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex