here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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