Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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