I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
