That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
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Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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