i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I could fuck to npr.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
