Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
