every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
