Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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