Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
