dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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