Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she pinky promised me she was 18
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christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
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So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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