That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
