he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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