I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
