Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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