Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
