im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
