I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
