Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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