piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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