I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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