My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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