Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
