dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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