Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just high enough for therapy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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