i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
