My friends, they love my intelligence
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
