The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
