OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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