She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
