Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
