My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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