Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
