She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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