Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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