I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
