my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.