Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
