I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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