Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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