the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
