I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
