I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
