I faked an abortion last night.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
