The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
