I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
