Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
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no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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