i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
