omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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