I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
