I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
